I've Made It This Far (And Only Pissed Off 6,765 Friends)
I've been asked how long I've had PPG . I've had it as far back as I remember. I more or less hid my disability or depended on others to clue me in on who was who. I didn't dare offend anyone by telling them I was drawing a blank on their face.
Maybe some clues:... In my teenage years I remember always asking friends to meet me in some specific place ,the' corner booth' at the cafe rather than "see you at the cafe later". I'd ask them the color of their car (the make never helped me, as cars all look alike to me). I'd ask "what are you wearing today ?" One odd memory; I've always liked art, I like to doodle and draw, in junior high and high school I remember often drawing faces of people upside down instead of right side up. Right side up, upside down, the same to me. As a young adult I avoided parties and activities. I was a loner and I didn't have a group I hung out with.
I've always avoided introducing people to others or addressing people by name, knowing it would probably be the wrong one anyway. I'd duck out when time for introductions, or look away so someone else would do it. When I did have the courage to venture " Hi, George, how are you?" I'd more often than not get an offended stare , and have to scramble to make a graceful recovery from the gaffe (I never did find one that worked well). I was always petrified I would forget friends. Though I would mentally rehearse who might be in found in a particular location I'd get surprised by someone I didn't expect to see there . I would then act like I was terribly busy and had no time to stop and chat .
I really paid attention when nearby people talked as they would often refer to one another by name, that way if one of them popped by to greet me in a minute I could 'recognize' them. I've always been a 'people watcher' in a crowd . I'll intently follow people around with my eyes, so I know 'who is where' at a particular time. These little quirky methods that I've always used may sound inconsequential to normal people, but to someone with PPG they are a social lifesaver.
General social conversation "hi, how are you doing" (I think I must know you , as you look like you know me) and "nice to see you" (whoever you are) is always a great blessing to me . I've had thousands of short friendly chats with people I didn't know (but who undoubtedly knew me by name). Often after an involved 'meaningful' conversation (with someone who wasn't aware I didn't know who they were) I'd ask my partner "who in the heck was that ?" But that's 'so and so' our friend from ___ ,you just talked to her/him for an entire hour, I thought you remembered her/him?" she'd say all annoyed . Nope, didn't. The conversation carried itself on its own merits, not on the basis of remembering a past thread. "God, you're bad," she'd shake her head in exasperation. As long as she has known of prosopagnosia , and that I am not being aggravatingly lazy in failing to remember, she is still surprised by every instance of 'gross' misidentification. If family, fully aware of your inability, is exasperated, friends and acquaintances are even more so.
I Definitely Know You, And You, And You
A strange reversal of the way I fail to distinguish people occasionally occurs when I sometimes find that EVERYONE around me 'looks' familiar. It may happen several times a year
like this..
For instance, one time I was forcibly dragged to a park barbecue given by a club I belonged to. Certainly, I couldn't have met or seen all 200 people milling around , yet oddly most of the crowd 'looked like' I knew them .( Initial reaction: why was I avoiding this event ? I 'know' these people !)
This unusual kind of pseudo-memory really confuses me. Intuitively I may deduce I can't be remembering them ALL, but (hope springs eternal) couldn't I be remembering SOME of them? In cases when my visual motor goes into overdrive I may become overconfident when I am certain who is who .At that point I might venture a conversation with a strong 'recognition' subject (the vice-president of the club) "Hi Gerry,congratulations on the election. You're doing a lot for our club you know.." (blank look.) ..what the ? I've seen him 20 times this year I'm positive it's him, looks just like him. (oops...a newcomer from out of town... (invited by his aunt ).. My cover; "Jeez, you look just like our VP ! " (sure, as if I can recall what the VP looked like.) After several more mixed up conversations in a crowd of 'recognizable strangers I end up fleeing in mortified retreat. Got a headache, going home. I'm never getting dragged there again !
This recognizing no-one or recognizing everyone (erroneously) demonstrates my own recall to be untrustworthy. So even when I think I know someone, I have no way of knowing 'I know' for sure. Yeah, very confusing, but worse; the flip side never identifies itself by saying "today you will see strangers who will look like friends". So I assume the message is "wow, I'm really starting to remember people". Oops :-(
'Somebody' Stopped By And You're Supposed
To Call Them...It's Important !
The year I found out there was a name to my inability my deficiency had become so clearly obvious in daily life that my bizarre peculiarity became a standing joke at home. "I've never seen that person before in my life" was my constant excuse for embarrassing misidentifications.
When my sons were growing up there was always a steady stream of buddies , friends, schoolmates at the house. I never remembered them one day to the next. A kid would knock at the door " Is he home? No, well be sure and tell him I stopped by" "OK" I'd reply, and never knew who the 'I' in question was , as I wasn't about to ask "and what's your name?" again (probably for the 20th time).I guess I was the lady with the confused look on her face as the kid walked away. So here , evidently , was my son's close friend, he was doubtless at his birthday party, maybe spent overnight a few times, watched t.v. with us, but unless he was identified to me today or yesterday he was also someone I'd never seen before in my life. So it was always 'pot luck' as to who may have been stopping by and my boy had to call everyone to see who it was (or I was told "don't worry Mom, if it's important, they'll call back when I'm here").
Not recognizing neighbors would often be a real problem. I recently moved from 'Smallville' a town where I lived a dozen years .The population is under 1,000. The town center is only a few blocks long. My son and I visited 'Smallville' recently.I recognized about 8 people. When I used to live there, after much interaction I could recognize about 15 . The rest used to be friendly waving blurs. I don't seem t recognize cars either, so I could never remember who drove what. A particular car pulling up to the house wasn't much of a clue as to the identity of the driver. I just stayed home and out of everyone's way and hoped people didn't come over . I had my family to run errands for me so I didn't have to interact with the community.
While visiting Smallville recently , my son was off somewhere when several of his buddies stopped by . I should have remembered them (only 2 years had gone by since I'd been living there ) .Out of a dozen of his friends I only recognized his closest friend, no other . It wasn't just the question of teens maturing and changing hairstyles, it was also that I had never managed to memorize them in the first place. Teenagers seem to wear a uniform of sorts too, blue jeans, logo shirts, the 'in' hairstyle of the year, etc. They think they are being distinctive, but it becomes generic. Right now they're all shaving their heads. That do make it hard for us with PPG, mercy !
But it could be worse, I could have been born in China or somewhere where clothing styles/colors are somewhat limited, where hair color and complexion, build etc. are similar. That boggles my imagination :-o
Moved To Remember
For me, and maybe others, there may be some sort of connection between this malady and strong or critical emotions. I have family overseas and traveled there on several trips. There I met some of my cousins and aunts for the first time ever . Amazingly afterwards I was able to sort them out from within a group . Maybe because I knew I'd only be visiting there for a very short time the occasion was emotionally charged and this activated another brain area for memory . Possibly I used some sort of bypass mechanism to compensate for my usual lack. Or (and most likely) I unconsciously paid enhanced attention to the other methods I routinely use to sort people (activating an emergency mode of sorts). I think I still carry an emotional map of their faces in my mind, and expect I would recognize them if they haven't changed too much. Whereas wonderful, beautiful nieces who live nearby and whom I've seen periodically (but not under critically delineated conditions) are sadly, not recognizable to me.
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